When will starting over ever end?

(this is reposted from a blog I started on Myspace)
I’m not sure how many incomplete blogs I’ve created out there in cyberspace with an entry, maybe two. And it doesn’t really matter either, because I’m here now starting another one.

Maybe I’m just stubborn, some would look over several failed attempts to commit the writing of a continuous series of blog entries and say forget it— but not me, I don’t know how to not keep starting over, whether I’m blogging or participating in any other everyday activity. In the not so recent past, there were several attempts to launch from that point in the life cycle where we make the transition into living as adults responsible for the well-being of other human beings, that were not so successful.

Today, it seems we (we-referring to my little family of self, husband, and 3 year old son) have gained a fair amount of distance between ourselves and the land below since our last launch– yet, turbulence still tends to be the ever-present foe threatening the progress we’ve thus managed.

I am compelled to write about these recent experiences, because while I was living those worst of times I unintentionally placed myself into isolation. I do not know if it was out of shame, or stubbornness, or perhaps an innate knowledge possessed by some American Indian tribes who send their youth who are coming of age on a quest with nothing but the clothes on their back– that I allowed this aloneness to happen. For 2 years, I lived in darkness groping for something solid and familiar feeling to determine the way back to light.

I finally have emerged from that place of blackness– and my senses have returned— though are still adjusting. I still catch myself every now and then squinting when I am in the presence of the most subdued light.

I know I am not alone in this aloneness I triumphed over— and I think we are all given a time in our life where we choose or are forced to take a sabbatical from the momentum of our life’s progress– after talking and meeting all kinds of people throughout these past three years I have heard story after story of similar circumstances. The person who talks about this experience seems in no way connected to the person they describe who had underwent this terrible ordeal or had made these horrific mistakes.

The thing is that we never expect to go through an experience in life where we will emerge as someone very much changed— and we somehow become completely detached from the person and circumstances that we had identified with. So, in some ways I am a little bitter about the isolation I created, because I did miss out on the good and bad things that happened to many people who I care deeply about. And I have to acknowledge that some of the distance that grew between the friends & family I withdrew from may never be as close as it was prior.

But regardless of the damage that may be unable to be repaired, there is a whole future for me to continue trying to repair past damages and to create new relationships– there is still much ahead. Being in a place where I can count on the next several years passing in a predictable manner probably isn’t going to happen. I only know where I will work for the next year— and even that I may have to add on to– but as far as where my career job is going to be and what it even is, remains to be seen. At least now I am at a place where I can be okay with, and even enjoy, figuring It out. The person who loved to plan out every phase of her life— I cannot tell you how many 10-year plans I created, revised, rejected, and recreated since I was 14…. in these plans included details on how I was going to live life as a marine biologist, pediatrician, science or English teacher, massage therapist and even an actress. And even though none of those career paths played out, I do feel that I have had the opportunity to experience situations where I have performed the duties of the above occupations.

So with all things considered– I think after surviving mental breakdowns, the consequences of illegal activity, parents and in-laws, and life and death of the people you love most— and
still possessing a somewhat positive perspective on life and a healthy and mostly happy family, I deserve to feel good about what I have achieved— I survived. In 2 months time our family has gained a foundation to stand on. No more living with parents or waiting on someone else to do something so we can move forward. Both my husband and I have positions where we can support our family while providing support to the community– and we finally felt confident enough in our position and future to finance a vehicle (a used one of course)— all the circumstances and living situations of the not so recent past already seem so far removed from the existence of what is now our daily life– though we may not have 6 figures, a new house, or 2009 Family car of the year— we have ourselves, we a Start!

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